I have had a rough couple of days where I have just wanted to run away from everything and everyone and hide and pretend I’ve never existed. But hell, I’ve never really existed fully here as life anyway and if I know nothing else, I know that. So I am just going to write and see what I have to say. I have not allowed myself to vlog in the last few days. Because honestly, I am not fully trusting myself at the moment and I don’t want to be vlogging as a means of supporting any sort of energetic outflows of myself. I have had ideas for a vlog and I have not allowed it because that is what I’ve done in the past. No longer will I allow that. So then my mind attempts to convince me that I don’t matter anyway so why don’t I just lay low and be quiet. Breathing is all I trust in these sort of moments.
I have been stopping myself and applying self forgiveness within these past few days and really realizing myself within my words as I speak self forgiveness. I have to be sure that I am understanding why I am forgiving myself so that I can apply myself effectively in self corrective action. I have walked through moments as this before and so this one seems more like a ‘mini mind attack’ than the ones before.
That’s what I’m calling this, though before I would have called it depression. I know what depression is, which is nothing more than suppression and in SRA I have certainly become aware of how suppressed I am.
It seems to me that what is going on with me is a lack of energy also. Almost as if I require a fix which is why I don’t trust myself. I’ve looked at this further and it seems I’ve covered up for so long what I’m actually experiencing within a presentation of myself as someone I’m not completely – like an addiction of positive self reinforcement and I can no longer exist as such. What I just wrote was difficult for me because my mind wants to accept it as self failure. I stop and breathe and I do not accept the definition of myself as a failure. I know this process is about facing me in self honesty and to stop hiding from me.
That’s what this is about, the fact that I still hold myself back within fear of how others will perceive me. When really, I just fear facing all of me within all that I have accepted and allowed and suppressed my whole life. It’s interesting because even as I am walking in self honesty – in one moment of missing a breath, I can easily slip through a back door linked with dishonesty and miss a point of unconscious resistance and suppression. I will keep pushing because I know when I let go and release who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, is when I’ll be and become who I am as all as one as equal.
The reality of self truth is that no one can do this for me. The nature of myself is not easy to face but in self honesty I will myself to do so. Because what else is there as this is why I’m here – to realize myself as all as one as equal. It’s why we’re all here.
Self Forgiveness walking is key – A lifetime of Self Forgiveness, Walking, Self Honesty, Breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and avoid the nature of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self doubt.
Ahhhhhh, self forgiveness