I was taught how to think and I was taught how to write – I was shown expressions of hate by those who spoke of love. I believed that I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t until one day I became all that allowed. I’ve been the beggar of the worst kind because of my pretense to be that which I wasn’t by begging for approval within personalities that were not even who I really was.
I wanted to run with the popular crowd because they seemed to be the happiest. But I didn’t even know them. I know who I was as night fell and I was left with just me. I still yearned for something and/or someone to come notice me. The guy that I lost my virginity to was from Louisiana. He was going to school for aeronautics,, and he had a girlfriend ‘back home’ who he would go visit on holidays. I knew of her because he told me about her from the beginning. But I didn’t care because he was five years older than me and I thought he was the coolest thing there ever was. I was sure that I was in ‘love’. We were together for a year and a half, and he would tell me straight up how he was still talking to M, but that I was ‘special’. haha
Sex will cause one to say the damndest things. The thing is, I believed him because I didn’t want to face myself in self honesty. Because really, I thought the whole thing was messed up and I knew that she did not know about me. If I had faced myself in self honesty and stopped, and told him that he had to choose – it would mean that I would ‘risk’ giving up the energy that I couldn’t wait for within the self manipulation that I accepted because I got off on the attention. For christmas that year, he bought M a giant panda bear that was holding a heart – the head of the gorgeous panda in it’s sitting position, touched the roof in his apartment. I was devastated. And what’s weird is, he couldn’t wait for me to see it. I looked at it for a whole month before he stuffed it in his car after he kissed me goodbye. To assist in keeping the control – he bought me a necklace that read ‘taken’ on it, and that piece of jewelry worked wonders in keeping me locked in the mindset that ‘he cared’ and that ‘I was special’.
I can barely remember what it looked like, but I can sure remember what was written on it. Because I participated within my mind of thoughts in a make believe world that was not as it appeared to be. After losing my virginity to him and then getting my period late, I decided that I had to stop having sex. I was sure that this would be no big deal to him, and he even said it wasn’t when I told him – however, nothing was ever the same. The truth of our relationship proved it, when days later I caught him within someone else. I wanted to die in that moment when I realized that I really had been ‘taken’.
I ran out of the apartment and two months later when I knew he was about to leave my town forever, I called him. We met at a nearby park and I told him how much he had hurt me. He said he was sorry and that he was going to call before he left because he thought maybe we could work things out. (I found out later the other girl he was with the day I caught him cheating on me, had dumped him) I told him that he would also have to give up M and he wasn’t prepared to do that so finally I stood up for me and said no, it’s over – I stopped.
So I’ve witnessed the cause and effect from my own enslavement where I became what I and I alone accepted and allowed – participation of the mind. Expressions of someone that I never really was if I’m facing myself in self honesty. My self expression doesn’t always fit according to standards implied upon society, but I will keep writing and walking myself to here, until words flow as me as who I am becoming in self honesty.
I accept me and I am here and I walk – Oneness and Equality