Shit, motherfucker, goddamn what a point! A bit of a rough day today meaning that I became frustrated with myself for participating in a back and forth comment session on face book with a person that resulted in me facing the point of how I tend to ‘give others the benefit of the doubt’. I have seen this pattern before where I allow manipulation and control from others and where I forfeit myself in the attempt to ‘please’ and ‘assist’. What is really happening is I am ‘doubting’ myself and my ability to stand within self trust – within what I have realized in walking my process of self forgiveness.
I’m aware of the change within me that this process has provided, however I’m not so well at writing the words to match the newness within me. I also have difficulty in making vlogs and sharing as well because I still allow fear as a point that I will not be understood in what I’m sharing. What this is showing me is that my effectiveness in writing and my self corrective application has not been sufficient in releasing the pattern of self abuse.
I still present myself as ‘nice’ and ‘meek’ or I will directly piss someone off because of my tone or word placement when I’m directing myself in standing. I will keep pushing myself within this point, and accept patience in myself realizing that I am not in direct contact with many people because I am home and am not daily around many people and that this is a process to be walked through. The point will present itself again as a point to walk through.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed the ‘niceness demon’ to become me instead of directing myself here within and as self trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question myself and my abilities to stand within my self realizations when confronted with highly intelligent people. I stand and direct me in self honesty to push through these points in self corrective application.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt my application and my process because of comments made by another who doesn’t even know me nor understand the process of self forgiveness. I direct me here one and equal and forgive them in realizing that everything and all here is me.
I forgive myself that for a moment I wanted to hide from myself amidst loneliness and vulnerability instead of realizing that I have walked this path before and it always leads back to me. I direct me here more effectively within standing equal as all as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to opinions of others. Instead of facing the points presented as parts of me that I have not released . I allow myself to stop trying to please others instead of standing within my own understanding of the equality equation.
Grateful for Breath…