I was walking down an aisle in a nearby store and I saw again a newborn t-shirt that read: Please give me your attention NOW! I’ve seen the same shirt now twice in different locations. Wtf – Seems directed straight at me with regards to how I have existed within energies in seeking attention.
A memory flashed before me suddenly of when I was small and I’m in a playpen so I could not have been very old, maybe barely walking. All I know about the memory is there were two adults arguing. I remember it was my mom and my dad and my mom was crying. I started crying to and this seemed to elevate the level of tension in the room. The smell of the room is that of something burning and I don’t know what that is. This memory is clearer to me now than it has ever been and I sense a nervousness within me. The room is dark and I feel cold. I want someone to hold me because I’m scared of the yelling that is taking place. I remember light coming from a nearby room and a lamp nearby. I can see I’m standing holding onto the side of where I’m standing and finally I sit down and I’m watching my mom as she picks up the lamp that is still plugged in. I don’t see my dad but I see as the lamp is thrown because it hit’s the floor by the side of the place in which I’m sitting. All I see is the room become darker and I hear a crash as the lamp tumbles to the floor. This is where the memory ends. I don’t remember anything before or immediately after this moment.
I don’t know if this is where I became so fearful and lonely within myself. It doesn’t matter really because the fact is I began a search within myself in seeking attention outside of myself and the pattern has yet to be released. As I’m writing this I sense a tension in the back of my neck and I know this is resistance. Resistance in letting go of a pattern that I have participated in until I can no longer stand myself within it and I know it must be faced and stopped.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek, search, rely upon and demand attention from outside of myself instead of standing within self trust in knowing that I am here and I am equal to all here. Nothing more is needed or required.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fuel energetic mind patterns as I try and receive attention from others as a way of manipulating and justifying myself within a pattern that is no longer me. I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself when I did not get the attention I was seeking from another and within this I would withdraw from myself. Instead of standing up and realizing that all life is me and in seeking attention from another I am in fact only seeking attention of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to teach this same pattern to my children by way of not facing myself and by my actions of seeking energetic attention instead of facing myself in self honesty as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the nature of abuse imposed upon all children and humanity within participating as these mind constructs. I stop. Till here no further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the atrocities that exist within this world by denying my part within it all. I now stand facing myself in self honesty and I stop.