I’m realizing that I do not have to have a reason to be self honest. It seems simple enough, and as though I have always known that life requires complete self honesty, but I never lived it, I had forsaken myself. I did not want to see – to busy chasing energies –to stop and breathe. I was always so busy trying to please others – that I had failed to see the self-dishonesty that I existed as.
I struggled my whole life to prove that I am worthy by another’s definition of me and within this formed personalities within my mind according to who is around me. I failed to see the reflection they were existing as – was me. I justified myself according to what I ‘thought’ another expected of me and I used this as a way of pursuing attention. I suppressed how I was feeling in order to mold myself into what I ‘thought’ or ‘believed’ was the right thing to say or do, which was always a way of manipulating myself and others. I always ‘believed’ that ‘I am a good person’ who does and says the appropriate things and acts the appropriate way…
One of the most difficult times of my life was just months before I began to hear the Desteni message. I was in jail for two weeks and the first three days I was in solitary confinement. I had nothing to read or listen to, all I had was my thoughts. I appreciated even the vilest of smells that would drift through a small opening in the door, because they distracted me for a moment from the thoughts, feelings and emotions that kept me constantly awake. I could not sleep away myself. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I wanted to die. Now, I am grateful for my time spent in the jail cell because it began the stopping of my self abuse patterns and assisted me in beginning to face me.
There have been more moments when I no longer wanted to be in this world because I hated who I was and what I had become. In my search for attention and approval of others – I completely lost sight of me and what I was accepting and allowing as who I was. The fear of loosing myself had come true and finally I’ve had to admit my fears and face myself. It is me that I feared. I feared seeing all that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and have created as my world.
The world I created about myself within my mind illusions no longer ring true for me, and I’m realizing that I must let everything go and risk loosing everything and everyone in order to face myself completely in self honesty. Within this I will loose nothing because nothing of who I have existed as was real. My beliefs according to what it is to ‘risk’ has been based within a fog. The fog is clearing and the reasons for the fog are releasing.
If at any point I justify or give myself a reason for how I am existing,- that is self dishonesty. All self-deception and self-interest. A point of self-preservation – property of mind consciousness systems directing me – instead of me becoming the directive principle of me – according to a principle according to what is best for all in all ways.
Walking this process of self in self forgiveness is allowing me the opportunity to face me in self honesty. Fears are releasing. I no longer want to escape myself or this world.
In self honesty I answer only to myself according to a principle of equality that I stand within and as. We all walk this earth and though we walk this process alone, yet together, we assist each another as we are all as one as equal. In assisting and supporting myself, I assist and support all. Common sense. I stand up for all Life. We are All a part of and Equal to all that is here and this must be lived individually and accordingly – within self honesty. Stopping reason – Standing up in self honesty within the Equality Equation.