Often I have wanted to run away and escape this life I call mine, only to remind myself that I cannot run away from what is going on inside of me. In truth I am wanting to run away from my mind that I have accepted as myself and I have done this my whole life only to find myself face to face with myself once more in the very same place I left myself. Here I am, waiting for me to make some sense out of all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Here within this place of non acceptance of myself within all the bullshit that I have accepted and allowed, and within this place my mind wants to seek and search for fulfillment outside of myself, though never completely trusting that which I am accepting because it’s never the fulfillment that I will have expected it to be. My mind awaits corrective self-direction and I am now becoming the director in self-honesty that I’ve been waiting for.
It’s easy to see how self-forgiveness is giving me myself. Even in the moments when I don’t want to see a specific part of me that I have accepted and allowed because it is within these moments relief for self is greatest. It’s like snipping away remnants of lies built upon lies that I have told myself and relived as me over and over. Self-forgiveness is like pulling the lies out by the roots until all of my self-deception is cleared.
It is unbelievable the way that I have existed within ‘energies’ all of my life and when the ‘energies’ have run out, I have wanted to seek out more of the same and the cycle has continued, and it is a never ending cycle of self-abuse in which I am now stopping. When these energies are stopped there is a point within myself that says ‘what the fuck now’. This is the mind awaiting self-corrective direction and so I breathe in this moment and within myself there is an awareness of myself breathing as if I can reach out and touch the part of me that I am only now physically becoming aware of.
I sense within me a newness of myself that I have not yet known completely as well as a slight resistance as I move myself to a clearer understanding of myself within releasing all the dishonesty of self that I have accepted and allowed. I enjoy me more than I ever have and I am slowly obtaining a measure of self-trust that I have never considered for myself, much less accepted and allowed of myself. I am only now beginning to allow myself direction in self-honesty and truly forgiving myself of any thought, feeling and emotional patterns that I have held against myself for so long, and it is as if I am pushing myself forth from beyond a grave that I have dug for myself and it is extremely freeing.
Often it is difficult to describe this newness within me because it’s not like any ‘experience’ of me that I’ve ever had and often I want to share this part of myself but I realize this cannot be shared in the way I’ve ever shared myself, for this is from a place of quiet resolve deep within me. What is assisting me the most is writing because I have no way of knowing what I will write about, instead I allow the words to flow and see for myself who I am in this moment and how am I standing within the realization of myself within the equation of oneness and equality. I no longer see life as a flirting game but instead one to be cherished within myself and in the moments of seeing another as myself reflecting back to me. It’s rather an amazing process for self to see. I accept and allow this quiet place of surrender within myself in realizing that all life must be realized equal as self. To realize the parts of me that I have accepted and allowed as abuse and to stop the mind patterns that are destroying the very nature of who we are and to move myself to stand up within it all as one as equal. It’s why we’re here.