When I was growing up as a child I had many thoughts and feelings and emotions of me believing that I was being abused and withdrew within my mind lost in an inferiority construct in which I would silence myself and my participation in my world. I perceived that I was being unnoticed and unloved by my parents and often would act out to receive attention from them if only for a moment. Often I would get a spanking from my step-father for my actions and this I saw as further abuse because I knew that they did not know or it seemed they didn’t care to ask me what was really going on within me. When I began school my experiences of myself were similar to those of my parents and I always saw myself as a victim which I then in turn began to victimize others through my words and actions.
It’s all self-abuse that I have manifested forward to me now. It is me existing in survival mode wherein I allow and accept myself to remain locked in a memory construct. What I am realizing is happening is that I will have a flash of a memory of the ‘feeling’ and ’emotion’ of myself where I am ‘seeking’ approval from my parents and then I will allow a thought from my current moment to come together with the feeling and emotion inwhich appears as if the current moment ‘thought’ is causing the ‘feeling’ or ’emotion’ I’m having and I will stop the thought but the feeling/emotion within the real point of dishonesty will remain. Thus, I have not been able to completely stop the thought pattern because the specific point of self-abuse has went unnoticed, yet continues to bring forth ‘resonances’ of ‘energies’ within which I have stopped – though have not really moved myself beyond as my physical in walking these points through.
When for instance I am around many people and I am sharing about equality for all and an equal money system and I notice that they are not listening – I will then experience the same feeling/emotion that I experienced when I was younger around my parents in seeking their attention and within this mind construct the pattern of withdrawing myself will step forward as me. It is in this place of acceptance of self-abuse that I will stop. I allow myself to become silent within inferiority and self-judgment within a memory construct that I in this moment forgive myself of and I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a memory construct of myself as abused, unseen and unheard to remain a belief pattern of myself and I stand and direct me here equal and one to all here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a past memory construct hold me into an application of myself within a survival mode of myself that has been one of self-abuse. I stop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be abused and become the abuser instead of standing in self-honesty, self-trust and self-willed direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another through words and actions as well as thought patterns instead of stopping and directing myself within the principle of equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry towards my parents within the understanding that they were presenting themself to me the way their parents presented themselves to them and the cycle of mind abuse patterns have continued as I have allowed them through my participation as them. I stop. I direct me here equal to all – in realizing we are all the same in fact and have cycled and cycled the same abuse over and over, so I stop. I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these same patterns with my parents to manifest within the relationship that I have with my son and I direct myself in seeing the equality we share in each other and I direct myself to walk through this pattern here in the physical breathing in self-honesty in knowing that in facing my past I am facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in love when in fact I realize the polarity of existence in that in order to love their must come hate of which I have seen as an example of those I believed that I loved, only for that love to turn to hate as the ‘energy’ of the relationship played out as proof to me that love is not real and can only exist with an outcome of hate. I stop the patterns of love and hate and I stand and direct me here as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have abused life instead of directing me equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the false insecurities of myself that my mind would have me believe and instead I direct me here breathing and applying myself in self-honesty only in this moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse another in my mind of thoughts wherein I will justify my thought as being only a thought and not realizing the effect of abuse my participation in a thought pattern has on others in my world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ‘feel’ important or ‘special’ instead of realizing that this is a point of insecurity within myself connected to a memory pattern of my mind that I accepted and allowed as me as a point of self-manipulation and distraction from me facing me. I Stop. I no longer accept or allow of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to depend and agree upon our current money system that justifies abuse wherein many starving to death and live in poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted, allowed and supported the current monetary system that does not support all life equally. I stand in support of an equal money system for all to live a life of equal opportunity and dignity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the creation of self-abuse to manifest as my world and I am grateful to my physical for it’s assistance in showing me all of what I have believed of the mind. I Stop. I forgive myself for this allowance and acceptance of myself.