For a few days now I’ve wrestled with a thought / backchat within my head saying: ‘I just want to feel normal’. I stopped it when I became aware of it in the beginning. When it came back, I mocked it within myself, so basically, I was mocking myself… Making fun of the thought, making fun of myself. This is how me as my mind as consciousness has become as I’ve continued to give the thought ‘I just want to feel normal’ the key to my peace of mind by participating in and as automated actions/patterns of myself, even as I became aware of them.
I mean, that’s pretty much how I’ve always existed. In fear, surviving normal. Within that always longing for that feeling/experience like falling in love or falling into another addictive behavior, but either way, normal becomes comfortable and routine. Basically, we get up in the morning, take a shower, eat, go to work, go to lunch, go back to work, blah, blah, blah, go home, watch tv, go to bed, get up the next day and repeat…You get the picture. Just tow the line and follow the rules of our current world/money system so we can stop fearing for our very survival and get to ’feeling normal’.
The problem is, that which has been normal, has been a LIE. Our idea of normal is motivated by fear and self-interest. And when that moment comes, when you must investigate who you are because you realize you are brainwashed and automated and then you realize you feel strangely comfortable about being so.
It seems odd to find comfort hidden within that which we fear and yet we do. So, we just keep doing the same thing day in and day out because we believe we have to to survive, and within my mind, I’ve imagined so much more for myself, but I could never move myself to a point of actual real self change.
So, what I’ve realized is with my diagnosis of cancer, I’ve had to become very strict with my eating and now I’m realizing just how much I’ve used food to give myself comfort and a feeling of normal. So in a way it’s as if I’m longing / searching for some sort of way to feel better as a way to replace the relationship and socializing I once had with food. Once in awhile the desire/urge/energetic longing to taste a warm cooked meal becomes so overwhelming until I realize that all I have to do is to Stop and to Breathe. Participating in my past as memories seems to diminish the desire/longing and gives me the illusion of feeling normal and comforted even if it is a lie…
Hearing it reminded me of when my normal began to change, which was when I discovered Desteni. I use the word ‘discovered’ on purpose because the ‘Desteni Material’, is like a Treasure trove of Rare ArtiFACTS.
For the first time in my life, I began to realize just how ‘brainwashed’ I really am. In that moment, I didn’t know what all I would uncover about myself within those rare artiFacts, but as I began to apply the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty, I noticed something unexpected in the releasing of fears.
I was able to prove to/for myself that I Can change and redesign myself and within that become aware of how and what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist within this world. And once I’ve begun to see that for myself, then I’ve been able to take self-responsibility to learn how to Give as I’d like to receive. This means supporting a system that will guarantee the support of Life according to what’s Best for All, and, will bring an end to suffering on a Global scale. How can any one of us accept our idea’s and comforts of ‘normal’ when ‘normal’ has never brought an end to suffering?
So, there’s normal, as how normal has always beed defined according to how we’ve existed, where we’re constantly trying to survive our accepted and allowed version of normal within our abusive world/money system, and then, there’s Desteni.
Alright so what I’ve realized is, the thought: ’I just want to feel normal’, is an amazing tool for me to gauge/see what I am currently choosing to accept and allow. And, what I see, realize and understand is that this thought/backchat is merely a trigger from my past and a reminder that I don’t have to run away in fear of the Beast as Cancer. That in order to bring myself full circle to a point where I understand how I manifested Cancer within and as my physical body in the first place, is going to require an awakening to purpose beginning with a re-committment to myself to Breathe and remain consistent and stable.
I mean, it was just over a year ago that I made a committment to walk this my Journey to Life, to blog/write, and to within that, Face All of me. To understand and assist myself to Forgive and Release who I am as a Slave to/as my mind. To redesign myself, and to forever Stand in Full Support of Life, through supporting an Equal Money System.
I can no longer deny the truth. That Life, within our current Money System, is Cruel, and Deadly. And, I am no longer willing to accept this as the kind of world we offer to the children who continue to be born here.
I re-commit myself to my process of walking/daily blogging my Journey to Life, to take Self-responsibility for who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions/reactions and to forgive, release and redesign myself according to and as all as one as equal.
Because, what’s considered ‘normal’ within our world, is Starvation, Poverty, Profit over loss of life, and that, is unacceptable.
I commit myself to redefine who I am as ‘normal’ through becoming a living example of supporting Life according to what’s Best for All.
Alright then, much for me to investigate. I will continue in my next blog…
“There cannot be a greater life after this one because this one is creating the next – you cannot be that stupid to believe that from here will flow something better. You move from here to face consequence, so from here at death things gets worse, much worse, because you have to face what you have allowed. We suggest you do it, face it right here. You die in fact alive in the physical through self-forgiveness taking yourself to nothingness where you stop what you’ve allowed. Where you then emerge like you did as a child from the womb, from this darkness, this nothingness, and it’s not to fear because you did come from it.” Bernard Poolman
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