Day 175: Voice of Influence

continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head! 
Day 172: Belittling Voices
Day 173: Money Hungry Voice of Delusion
Day 174: Is This Really Life? -
Continuing here with self-forgiveness with regards to the characters/personalities that I gave energy to as the voices in my head when my daughter called to ask me if I will stop on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs. What I’ve noticed is resistance in how me as my mind does not want to continue investigating and walking this point through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Thus, I commit myself to continue this process of self-directive principled writing to give back to myself the responsibility of myself and the creation of what we have accepted and allowed as the mind of/as energy according to our world/money system to thus take self-responsibility to stand up together to redesign who we are according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I reacted towards my daughter when she asked me to buy her a pack of cigs – where instead of actually hearing her – I heard the voices in my head – that I didn’t see/realize and understand how they triggered a negative energetic experience from/of my past which is and has always been directly linked to money according to how money was defined by my parents as the personalities that they lived their life as, which I copied/duplicated/imitated and completely gave into as my own internal energetic experience, where I have become an identical personality in how I will fight for my so-called-right to survive within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react not only to the words but to the sound of my daughter’s voice when she asked me to spend money on her, where in that split moment when she asked her question – I pulled back inside myself, as if I had just fallen back in time – where I became the victim of myself as my past as the negative energy experience I believed I had when I was 17, pregnant and needing food and feeling scared, lonely and abolished from my family into a world where I had no clue how to actually take care of myself and within that, I forgive myself for the fact that all I wanted to do in that moment was make someone suffer for the feelings of fear that I experienced which I’d long forgot were still a part of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past against myself and others, where I have locked myself into and as various masks as character and personalities – negative energetic experiences of guilt and displaced anger and positive energetic experiences where I took another’s feelings for granted in order to have a moment for/of myself within a feeling of well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents for who they became and for what they accepted and allowed because of money and trying to survive within this world because I see, realize and understand how easy it is to become preoccupied and separate oneself from the reality of the physical, and how the functioning and the consequences of energy experiences conditions one to not want to see, to not want to believe what one is capable of becoming in and as self-interest and greed.

When and as I see myself in a situation with regards to money, where I am reacting towards others as a negative energetic feeling experience – where I see that I am judging their influence as being the reason for how I’m experiencing myself – I stop, I breathe – instead I direct myself to realize that money is/has been a stronghold, our means of survival and that lashing out and seeking to ‘get one over’ on someone else in order that I might have a positive energy experience of myself is NOT the solution, that the solution requires a coming together of us all as a group, to constitute an agreement amongst us as neighbors, where we no longer allow suffering of any kind to any living being, thus, I see, realize, understand the importance of and thus support an Equal Money System.

I commit myself to walk any and all resistance to change of and as self due to the characters/personalities and fears I have existed as with regards to our current world/money system. I commit myself to breathe and let go of the perception of the need to have and be more than my neighbor.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself within a situation where I’m aware that money is the motivator, I stop, I breathe – to within myself reference this moment here in establishing for myself a point of self-trust. Trust that I will breathe and in self-honesty, I will direct myself to stand/walk and stop any and all relationships of separation within myself/ as my mind, to thus establish who I am from here as I stand up and walk as the solution through living my decision to support life according to what’s best for all – to hereby redesign and transform our world/money system together into one that cherishes the dignity of all living beings.

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Day 174: Is This Really Life?

continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!
Day 172: Belittling Voices
Day 173: Money Hungry Voice of Delusion
Ok, so, I know for sure that money and the amount that I have of it determines how I experience myself. It determines how I feel about myself and it determines the various personalities I become and the extent of fear that I exist as.

No matter what, I cannot escape the effect that money has on me because I’ve become it. I mean, money is just a piece of paper. It’s me that gives money the power to control me.

I am the Money God nestled snug in rug and comfortable when I have enough of it and when I’m broke or about to be, I become a peddling Money Demon Devil. It’s a hell of a way to exist either way because I’m always existing in self-interest. Always looking out for my own survival. Always existing in fear of not having enough or the fear that I’ll lose what I have.

And always reacting and having energetic experiences that I accept and allow for myself that are either positive and negative. Both of which manifest in through and as every relationship I’ve every had. Whether that be with my partner, my children, my coworkers, my siblings and last but not least, my parents.

When I first started out on my own, it wasn’t unusual for me to have to ask my mom for some money to help buy groceries or put gas in my car. She didn’t make asking her for money easy, and I hated every minute of it because standing before her and asking for money was like standing before God. First she would tell me how broke she was and I never believed it because her idea of broke and my idea of broke were not the same. When I said I was broke it meant that I had Nothing in my bank account. When she said she was broke, I knew for a fact it meant she was down to her last few thousands because when she wasn’t looking, I looked at her checkbook balance.

Money makes you sneaky as a fox and just as manipulative as a hyena. Well, it’s not money per se, it US, it’s how and what we accept as our current money system. It’s who and what characters and personalities we become in our quest to earn money to live out the nonsense we allow.

Finally, after almost an hour of explaining to my mom how important it was that she loan me some money til payday, she would inevitably pull out a couple of $20 dollar bills or a $50 dollar bill out of her handbag and insist that I return her the money the moment that I cashed my check on payday. I remember the voices in my head even now that I had back then as I walked away: “I knew it, I knew she wasn’t broke”, “Why does she lie like that”. You can be sure that my phone was ringing off the wall on payday to make sure I had not forgotten my debt.

I know when my children ask me for money they feel the same way toward me as I felt toward my mom. I mean, I honestly don’t have as much money in my pocket book as my mom had back when I was asking for money. However, I hear my child’s sigh of relief from not breathing the whole time their asking me for money. I remember how that felt and yet, the Power of my God as Money has had the power to control me.

My mom used to say: Sis, we’ve worked hard to have what we have, and you’re going to have to learn to do the same. I remember how crazy that sounded and I would ask myself why in the hell is life supposed to be about working for money!

A couple of days ago, I went to a physical therapy appointment. I was sitting in the waiting room and sitting next to me was a couple who were talking to a woman that was sitting beside them. They were in their middle 70′s and I know that because they said so.

They begin to talk about how once a month they go and do something they’ve never done before, like for instance they just got back from a two week cruise. They said they deserved it because they had not only raised their 2 children but they had also raised one of their 20 grandchildren. They went on to say how they refused to feel bad that they just didn’t have the patience to spend much time with their great grandchildren because ‘they had worked hard their hole lives’ and how now, it was ‘their turn’. It was at that point that I asked them if they were concerned for how their grandchildren and great grandchildren will make it in our world, the way it is within the struggle to survive in our current money system?

Their answer was an astounding NO!  They said: “Hey, we had to work hard for what we have and it won’t hurt them to do the same”. The woman continued with saying how her husband worked the same blue collar job for 45 years by putting one foot in front of the other one day at a time. Sure it was tough she said, but that’s just how life is. They both forced a smile as she grabbed her cane and him his and they both, with great effort, stood up and waddled out of the building.

I no longer buy what the American dream is pushing. I no longer accept that that’s how life is supposed to be because obviously the dream isn’t a dream, it’s real and the majority of us are living and breathing it every single day.  It’s The Story of US – our accepted and allowed enslavement.  Time for a new Story and it’s time to Stand Up and take responsibility for how our world exists and is ruled by money – instead of making ourselves believing we ‘deserve’ this or that.   Life itself  and how we have defined it and lived it deserves redefining according to what’s best for All.

Investigate Equal Money

Day 173: Money Hungry Voice of Delusion

continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!

Day 172: Belittling Voices

Ok, continuing here to investigate the characters/personalities that I gave energy to as the voices in my head when my daughter called to ask me if I will stop on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs – I can already see the depth of my ego as it flows from the innermost fabric of who I am according to the almighty dollar. Therefore,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize who I become when the mention of money triggers a multitude of personalities within and as my mind, where at the mere mention of money my mind takes a negative energy experience of myself and utilizes energy as a spring board of sorts to catapult myself further into and as my mind further into the depths of who I am as ego – where I slip myself right into and as a suit of authority with green-bac$ positioning all the way with survival secretly on my mind as I reach for a positive feeling experience – while I protect the who I am as ego because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing I can ever do will ever change who I am – all the while not realizing that in that moment of breath, as I imagined myself having a grandiose experience of authoritative nature, I never noticed the tone of the money hungry voice of delusion in my head, secretly speaking to my daughter’s request first with the words: “you have got to be kidding me” – where instead of actually hearing/seeing/realizing/understanding the fear in the constant state of struggle that exists within the lives of people within our current world/money system – I’m to busy accepting the fear of who I am and sugar coating it within and as who I am as ego, because that’s how I avoid taking self-responsibility for the role that I play within our world which is ravished daily according to the rules of a Capitalistic Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely deny how money is my hook, line and sinker,  where according to money and how much or how little I have of it, I will take myself from a negative to a positive experience as hopelessness to powerful all within multiple dimensions of/as delusions in and as my mind – where I secretly allow the voices in my head to direct who I am and what decisions I make because I have never had the courage to face all of me, to see, realize and understand every detail of my being, to direct myself in self-honesty, to change the very nature of who I am to one where the voices in my head stop within the movement of forgiveness as self in and as a practical physical living of/as self, according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the delusional voices in my head that lead me to imagine that when I experience energy whether positive or negative that it must be a real experience that I can call my own – when the fact is my relationship to energy as experience is and has always been on borrowed time,  no different from borrowing moneyin that there will always be a debt to be paid  - where the more we take from the life of others in accepting and allowing pain and suffering, the more in-debt to and as life we become.

When and as I see myself in a situation where one of my children for instance, are asking me for money, and in my head I hear a voice that beats to the tone of sarcasm as my mind enters what seems like warp speed and I barely notice that I am imagining myself as someone who is a voice of authority and power,  because that’s who I make myself believe I am when it comes to money – because that gives me an experience in my mind that I’m in control of my life when in fact I am completely aware that we in fact have No control within our abusive world/money system, a SYSTEM that WE accept and allow, I stop, I breathe – instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that the rules of our current world/money system are ones that WE have accepted and allowed without considering the fact that WE are constantly setting ourselves up to fail, thus, I commit myself to show how it is I / WE who decide who we are and I commit myself to remain standing until the last tear drop falls and we’ve had enough, where we see, realize and understand and are willing to push ouselves to change the very nature of who we are through self-forgiveness –  to thus become aware of the patterns that bind us, so we can be prepared and willing to re-design ourselves and our current world/money system to one that supports ALL life according to what’s best for all,  to bring an end to the dis-ease of the human psyche, and manifest Heaven on Earth, with the first step being that of Equal Money.

I commit myself to show that the patterns of our mind is the fear that binds us and keeps us in our constant pace to survive and how fear is absolutely Not necessary, that the nature of the human is constantly limited by and through our abusive money system to such an extent that we can’t even meet ourselves coming or going thus time just drags on and on, thus, it’s TIME  to  STOP and SUPPORT EQUAL MONEY.

I commit myself to re-design myself according to what’s best for all in realizing that money does Not have to be the spark that inflames us where we become evil and greedy and irresponsible to those who are without it.

I commit myself to assist ourselves as a humanity to give to ourselves that which all other beings of life comprehend,  the gift of LIFE for each One with Equal Money.

Day 172: Belittling Voices

Continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!

So, when my daughter called to ask me if I will stop on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs, I immediately reacted within myself and basically thrusted my inner reactions upon my physical world/reality/existence as I projected anger and spite through me as my physical body and all over anyone and everything within the path of me.

I mean, that’s how we are as our mind. It’s quite insane and our relationship to money keeps the insanity going, so much so that we don’t even stop to question why and how come we are what we accept and allow as our mind directing us?

There is definitely something going on here and it’s high time we sit our asses down, breathe and begin to understand why and how it is that we think, feel and act/behave the way we do.  Visit: Desteni I Process Lite and Learn Practical Life Skills Online Free!

Everything we are and every relationship we’ve ever had has been programmed into us, including Money, (Watch: Human Resources: Social Engineering In The 20th Century). So, I’m beginning to understand the seriousness of our life here on Earth.  How the ‘issue of money’ changes, shapes and guides me to the very core of my being. And, I am absolutely no longer willing to accept and allow myself to be the slave of my own mind with money as my living God all the while continuing down the same road paved in my own shit made from my own personal self-interest and greedy nature…

(Watch: Human Resources: Social Engineering In The 20th Century)
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how the very nature of who I am begins within the context of ‘what if‘s and ends within the context of fear of running out of money’, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed inner conflict within myself where when my daughter asked me to get her a pack of cigs, I saw myself fighting a losing battle, where within myself I was teetering between a negative reaction/experience  in fear of going without/self-interest, and a positive reactio/experience of wanting to validate myself within an idea of me as super mom/self-interest, all the while within my mind was this image/thought that resembled an expression I saw many times upon my own mother’s face years ago when I would ask her for money and she would respond: ‘it seems like you only come to see me when you need money’, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money as the force that drives me as my mind in the direction of and as energy experiences as thoughts, internal conversations/backchat and reactions of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character who is virtually my mother, meaning in how I move how she moved and I speak and express myself in and as the same fears as she spoke and expressed herself, even down to the point of how she overlooked the fact of how making money and having it, is, was and has always been considered as the most valid of All Human Motivation, in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a living expression of/as that which my mother suppressed the most as the fear of not being in control of and thus not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this energy within me that wants to strike back is in fact a force of energy as money within me as my mind where I become it as I continue to participate and support the multitude of nonsense and constant abuse within and as our current world/money system,  how as I become the energy that moves the voices in my head where I accept and allow myself to belittle people, where I’m spiteful, aggressive and tense towards another to the point of deliberately saying hurtful words at them – which always results in me taking a guilt trip where I try desperately to protect myself from having a negative experience by imagining myself as being ‘better than’- yet my aim to belittle another to make myself feel better within my mind as the get up and go to spark a positive experience for myself by boosting my ego leaves me ‘bitter within’ – while the real issue of self-interest, ego and greed as I have defined myself according to and exist as goes unnoticed and untouched and I remain unable to stand as a point of accountability, self-responsibility and stability for the role that I play in how I manifest, create and support our current world/money system.  I commit myself to stop, to breathe.

When and as I see myself within a situation where one of my children asks me to buy them something and/or to loan them money, I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that this is sore-spot, a point where I have overreacted and accepted and allowed inner conflict over and over – the same as fighting a losing battle where I continue to cover up/veil/camouflage the real issue – which is me facing me as good vs evil/,  the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other – not realizing that the conflict of self splitting self is merely me accepting who I am under the direction of the mind as consciousness which is always motivated in fear, self-interest and greed – thus, I commit myself to take a stand in self-honesty and common sense, to see, realize and understand that this is not about being good/bad and/or right and/or wrong, this is about what is BEST FOR ALL, and that all I can do is what I can do within this moment of breath in self-honesty, thus, if I’m able to assist then so be it – that there is never a cause for putting self-interest before all in the name of survival, profit and/or greed, and that spite and belittling is a bitter form of resistance to/of life itself, which keeps self from taking self-responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed within and as our world/reality/existence – that what matters is LIFE according to what’s BEST FOR ALL, therefore, I commit myself to walk in awareness in realizing that when it comes to matters of money, (which is entangled in everything and everyone), I must walk as the directive principle of me in and as diligence, self-accountability,  patience and stability in remaining self-honest and consistent in my application of support of the solution for LIFE as Equal Money.

Day 171: Voices in my Head!

I have some serious issues existing within me when it comes to money. It’s true, not only can I no longer deny it, I’m quite sick of it, literally. Here’s what gets me all riled up. My youngest daughter calls to ask me if I will stop tomorrow on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs because she’s spending her last few dollars on some Tylenol for her daughter who’s suffering from allergies.

So, why did I react in a rather pissy tone of voice and practically hang up on her? Here’s the thing: I’ve not really spoken to her today, only early this morning.  So when she called and I realized her reason for calling was about money, I immediately heard this voice in my head that said: “she only calls when she wants something”, followed by a string like sentence of: “or when she needs something from me which coincidently requires spending and/or loaning her money”. And there is the point!

Money brings out the demonic voices in my head that I have long accepted and allowed as who I am. So much so that I become spiteful, resentful, hateful, stressful and obviously ‘full’ of all kinds of shit.

So, what the hell is really going on within me and why do I react? I already see how my reaction response time is slower than the process that is actually taking place within and as my mind, thus my reaction is so automated that I barely realize that I’ve completely missed the thought/image and imagination dimension as I skip to the beat of backchat and react where I literally become the voices in my head!

Money is the catalyst that accelerates the voices/backchat in my head and the reactions and so much more because I accept and allow it to. I make money my God and when I have money it makes me ‘feel’ like a God over others. It’s a rather sick egotistical trip within the religion of self.

I mean, when I stop and breathe, I realize that I don’t really care a rat’s ass about having to assist my children, however, that is Not what me as my Mind is saying!  Me as my mind is a greedy manipulator and I realize the importance of investigating and understanding how the mind function. Because obviously it’s directing US ALL the f***ing time and it’s time we direct ourself as our mind to see who we can be as a humanity in self-honesty.

I’ve walked the Journey of Life long enough to know that when I react in any way to anyone, I absolutely have to bring the point back to myself. Because how we act and who we become is ALWAYS ONLY ABOUT SELF!

In the blogs to come, I will continue to investigate how money is the tool we use to keep us enslaved to and as our mind as consciousness and thus enslaved to an abusive world/money system.

Day 164: Innerspace

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated within myself where within me as my physical body I feel as if I’m experiencing myself as having to push myself through the great barrier reef of suppressed self-judgment and emotions which I have attached a definition of myself to which reads failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when within my mind I hear, ’suck it up and ignore the pain within yourself’, to not realize that I’m manipulating and justifying who I am so much so that I reach a point of the grandest of self illusions -where I’ve got no clue who and/or what character or personality will show up as me when I stand before friends and family who know me best in how I’ve always pretended to be what I perceive they expect me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my mind exist as crooked, dishonest and basically someone who has been full of shit in how I become angry towards my children and my partner, and then have the nerve to wonder why I have pain in and as my physical body which in itself feels crooked with kinks in it, and within that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through the relationships I have with my children and my partner, I have suppressed myself in and as guilt, shame and regret and where I direct myself as such through and as emotions inward unto me as my physical body which causes within me a sense of loss which I then define myself as in fear of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not able to forgive me for the mother I have been in how I raised my children in and as self-interest, fear and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when experiencing pain within and as my physical body to participate in the thought, ‘I can’t do this, it’s to painful’.

When and as I see myself go into fear where I tighten up and suppress myself and become characters and personalities that I see, realize and understand compound into and manifest systems within me as my physical body – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to me as my physical body and this physical reality first and foremost to thus begin to be a living example of life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to forgiving me for the definition I have lived of myself as,  ’a mom who failed her children’, and to redefine myself according to me as a mom breathing and walking here with both feet on the ground walking in and as self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop going emotionally bankrupt within and as my mind where I suppress within me raging systems of and consciousness as shame, regret and fear of loss.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the guilt I’ve existed as of not being the mother to my children that gives way to allow their child to express who they may become as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to accept the breath of life unto and as all of me as my physical body.

“I commit myself to remind each one that we are all guests on Earth and we have abused the hospitality of Earth and created an Asylum and Hospital out of Earth searching for Feelings of energy in Self-interest. Earth will no longer tolerate the abuse and we as Humanity will now face our final our within which each one must decide who The I will be, Life or Self Interest. There is no one that can deny that deep inside this hour has always been expected.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 160: When Anger Hurts

I just woke up from a dream in which I saw myself in anger so vividly that I had to get up and write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry in how as Americans we actually spend time talking about and believe that there is a Presidential candidate to pick from that will make a difference within our world – where an actual change will occur within our current world/money system. When we have clearly seen how 44 Presidents later and here we are, and not one has been able to bring an end to war or poverty and starvation, and that those atrocities, are not even the top 3 issues that we are concerned about resolving.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that instead of answering hard questions, like why do the majority of us continue to work our asses off to support the minority who have all the money, and why is it we’re alright with spending the evening hearing the same lies over and over about how things will change – when in fact, there is No real solution given that will actually assist to bring about real change – the kind of change that brings an end to all suffering.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I’m angry that money and whether we’ll have enough of it is always on our mind - so much so that we’ve become the human race, where the rules are that we must compete with each other to survive, and that’s all we do.

I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry for the mess we’ve made of our world, and how our children are the ones who will be left holding the bill, a debt they can never repay,  and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that we expect acts of bravery from our children when we’ve not a clue what it really means to be courageous - the kind of courage it takes to Stand up for and as All as One as Equal.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that I lied to my children when I said I believed in freedom when clearly the only free is in the dumbing down of those of us who work day in and day out only to be a paycheck away from homeless and hungry and,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

feel the shame in anger as I have witnessed the heartache of survival through the lives of those who have gone before me, where life is lived where one is either rich and getting richer, or poor and hoping to survive another day.  And,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how,

I am angry that as parents we have accepted a money system that doesn’t care if the newborn baby just born unto this world will have food, clean water, healthcare, an education, or even a home, because we’ve not taken the time to investigate the solution where Heaven on Earth can be a reality for us all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swell up inside myself in sorrow for the anger I see I’m existing as, and for how when I hear myself say the word anger,  I see how I have defined anger as that which I have come to ‘manage’, where within me, I store anger away so that I can continue to accept, allow and continue to support the existence of abuse within our current world/money system where the  rich profit off the suffering of the poor and how we actually tell ourselves that we’re ok with that.

Thus, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anger only hurts when we use it against ourself and each other, therefore, I commit myself to stop suppressing who I am as anger because I see, realize and understand that anger will assist me to direct myself in common sense according to and in support of a system where life is given honor in accordance to what’s best for all.

Day 159: The Dirty Little Secrets in Anger

For context read: Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why
Self-Commitment Statements to Stop who I am as anger

When and as I see myself existing within the energetic swirls of anger, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize and understand that any perception that I may have of being angry toward another is just a flat out illusion because in reality, I’m angry at myself,  and therefore it is vital that I breathe and investigate what’s going on within me that’s causing me to want to find fault in whoever it is that is next in line for me to blame for the bad experience I’m having of myself,  because the fact is, anger is like a ticking time bomb,, an accumulation of moments where I’ve suppressed, compounded and completely avoided taking self-responsibility for myself according to how and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to stop who I am as the dirty little secrets in anger because I see, realize and understand that anger is a cover up for the parts of me that exists in/as ego which manifest within this world as the horrors that I fear admitting I am a responsible for/as.

I commit myself to Stop anger as my path of preTense where I accept and allow tension to flow through me as my physical body while I pretend to be a survivor of and separate from the madness that exists within our world while I use anger as the tool to generate emotional conflict within myself which compounds into my flesh and bone as that which I’ve long ignored as it fuels the acceptance and allowance of who and what I exist as as who I am through and as the direction of and as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to show how anger is a direct reflection of what I hide in shame of in fear that I’ll be called on to claim my fame for how the inner me is mirrored as how the outer world represents me as all the while trying to convince myself that there is no way that I am directly responsible for the wars and greed that exist within and as the minds of men when in fact, I know that I cannot deny that I am responsible for how our world exists.

I commit myself to stop what I have denied as who I am as the reaction I become in/as guilt which I defend in/as anger because I fear the shame in admitting my denial because I see, realize and understand that that which I dish out is exactly what I will receive, and for the things that I accept and allow to happen unto another, I accept and allow to happen unto me thus, I commit myself to Never forget the mathematical equation within the principle of equality.

I commit myself to breathe and investigate who I am in/as anger, because I see, realize and understand that anger is an inner suppression based on blame, shame, regret, guilt and ego, where within myself I fear what I see I have accepted and allowed, where I have believed that I have the  inability to direct my life and take self-responsibility for the dishonesty that I’ve existed as – because within the secrets of my mind I use excuses to not see what it is that makes me unhappy and full of anxiety and thus, I constantly place responsibility on someone else, instead of standing up and directing myself to take responsibility for myself and every single living being, therefore, I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to support an Equal Money system which will support every living being according to what’s best for all.

Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as the anger I suppress in fear that I may become it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often feel incredibly angry and I don’t know why even though I realize the anger within me is me, yet I still resist and refuse to see who I am as it because I fear if I come face to face with me as the anger that I feel toward myself for what I’ve accepted and allowed that I will surely die of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within myself to see the starting point of why it is that I experience emotional waves of anger and then believe my own fear that if I go there and touch the anger that I will realize the truth of me, of what I have accepted and allowed and that I will lose myself forever.

I forgive myself for the fact that even as I sit here writing, exposing the anger I fear deep within me, that I can feel a hardening sensation as if a warning that says to me to stop, do not pass by this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as anger hang out within my mind in and as my past because in my past i was able to fool myself into believing that someday I could change the world, which is just another way for me to energize my ego and keep myself stuck in emotional games within and as the secrets of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I have practically lived in this world that I’ve made up where my entire  life has been about me making up fantasy worlds within my mind where the sole purpose has been to boost who I am as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a world where life is fun and everyone is safe and happy and then suddenly anger appears and I see how the picture perfect setting is missing life itself and I realize how I’ve always missed the gift that one gives to self when one forgives the dream and stands in and as the honesty of self to take self-responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that I am angry and I don’t know why when the fact is I have been in fear of who I am as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fooling myself into believing that living in fear of what others will think of me is easier that getting real with myself and facing who I really am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely pissed off at myself that I have spent my whole life completely ignorant to and abusive of that which allows me life as me as my physical body.

to be continued

Day 156: I Made my Mind up a Long Time Ago

Yesterday I had to go to the Doctor for assistance for the extreme pain I’ve been experiencing in my upper back. I didn’t want to go, but I knew that I had to utilize what is available as a bridge to assist me as my physical body.

After examining me the Doctor began to explain to me about the medicine he was going to prescribe for me, as well as the ‘long term plan’ which may involve physical therapy.

I quickly saw how I became defensive and energy swirled around me like a protective force field. I began to explain to him that if I have to take pain pills that I prefer they be ones that I know I can physically tolerate, and I went on to say: “it just makes more sense, no offense of course.”

LOL, Well, he didn’t take kindly to what I said and I began to see how his eyes – which were looking directly at me – how they began to shift from side to side, first to the left then to the right and then back to the left and then back to the right again, shifting, shifting. My questioning his decision got him to thinking and the proof that that wasn’t a good thing was as clear as the frozen frown on his face that he couldn’t seem to shake.

I knew that I didn’t really want to have to take medicine, but I also knew that at the moment, I required some relief and the medicine is only a temporary solution. I had the thought: “I know what’s best for my physical body”!   However, I didn’t say that out loud because it was obvious he was still processing my previous words.

It was in that moment that I realized something and I decided at that point to shut the hell up, breathe and ask him to tell me more about the medicine he wanted to prescribe for me.

What I realized was, before I ever walked into his office, I had prepared myself  to instigate my own plan of action according to what and how I had previously made my mind up long before I arrived for my appointment – before he’d even had a chance to examine me.

See. I have never liked the fact that a Doctor, or anyone for that matter, have the authority and a “so-called-right”, according to the rules of the Matrix, to determine the best treatment plan for me – to take away my responsibility for me as my physical body.

I mean, it’s my physical body even though I’ve not actually been very responsible for and as it.   Seriously though,  there is NO Free Will and we have very little to do with the decision making processes within our world.   Free Will…   What a Joke…

Moving on… I realized that I reacted rather catty towards him and that I could have and should have directed myself in a stable manner, and I shared that with him. He immediately looked me in the eyes again and repeated his suggestions for my treatment.

The whole experience assisted me to realize how important it is that I redefine who I am within the meaning of  the words: “I Made my Mind up a Long Time Ago”.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive where I experience myself in and as energy swirling around myself like a protective force field within a memory of my past, thus, I stop. I breathe. I see, realize and understand that who I was 5 years ago is no longer who I am today and as I continue to walk the Journey to Life, I have proven to myself how self can and will change through writing, applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, thus, I commit myself to show how energy experience is the result of accepting myself to be directed of and as my ego as I’ve existed in my past, thus, I see, realize and understand how energy is ego as my past which has to end at death as it is our mind as consciousness, therefore,  I commit myself to direct myself as my mind to stop energetic ego experiences and to walk according to what’s best for all – to thus then prove that the past is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of and as my mind where I exist in a make belief story within my mind made up about who and how I’m going to behave and experience myself within a given moment long before the moment is actually here and where within my secret mind, I participate in and as judgment and expectations that someone (in this case my Doctor) will also participate along with me in my make belief story, and when they don’t, I unleash a strong reaction of dislike onto them, which is actually an outflow of a reaction that I suppress deep within me with regards to our current world/money system, yet my suppression is indirectly imposed upon and implying that they ( in this case my Doctor), are the cause/source for/of my reaction of/as dislike and frustration to/toward what I realize is a cruel, corrupt and unjust world/money system.

I commit myself to stop existing as a character where I make up within my mind who I will be and what I’m going to say within a given moment before the actual moment is even here.

When and as I see myself talking to myself inside my head pre-planning what to say and or do with regards to an upcoming appointment, I stop. I breathe. I realize that in doing so I am actually reacting to my own reactions in fear of what may or may not happen thus, I commit myself to slow myself down and remain aware of who I am within this moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger onto others according to a reaction from within myself which is actually to/toward our current world/money system, and where I will take that a step further insofar as to preplan for myself a ‘line of defense’ so that I’ll ‘know my lines’ and know just how to act so when the moment arrives, all I have to do is be the stand-in, on autopilot, and become who I’ve already constructed myself to be within my mind, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry if my made up mind script is not welcomed by and played out by/as someone that I perceived will play the supporting role in my illusion in order to help me bring to life my perception of happiness within a world full of pain turned into a make belief story that I Made up within my Mind a Long Time Ago.

I commit myself to stop projecting anger onto others according to a reaction within myself  where I am misdirecting my frustration of our money system onto my present moment and to instead breathe and remain aware of who I am within this moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I make my mind up about someone and/or something according to a past experience of myself in a memory where I lost control of myself and then suppressed the experience as a memory which I believed I had to hide in order to protect my self shame, thus I devised a script for myself as a protection mechanism – like putting up an energetic wall all around me – where I can hide and keep to myself the make belief story within my mind where I deceive myself into believing that I’m coming out aHEAD within what is nothing but an illusion of control thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as that which I made up within my mind about myself a long time ago in and as fear in an attempt to avoid facing all of me and my responsibility to all that is here.

I commit myself to stop making my mind up about people, places and things as a way of setting myself up to be and become automated within my world as a way of avoiding facing who I am within what and how our world exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am as my past rules who I will always be, thus, I justify my deceptive behavior in an attempt to set myself up to experience energetic outflows where the results of who I am  remain the same with no change because I made up my mind about myself a long time ago when and as I believed the make belief story within my mind as consciousness that I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t be worthy of and as life itself.

I stop. I Breathe.

to be continued