continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!
Day 172: Belittling Voices
Day 173: Money Hungry Voice of Delusion
Ok, so, I know for sure that money and the amount that I have of it determines how I experience myself. It determines how I feel about myself and it determines the various personalities I become and the extent of fear that I exist as.
No matter what, I cannot escape the effect that money has on me because I’ve become it. I mean, money is just a piece of paper. It’s me that gives money the power to control me.
I am the Money God nestled snug in rug and comfortable when I have enough of it and when I’m broke or about to be, I become a peddling Money Demon Devil. It’s a hell of a way to exist either way because I’m always existing in self-interest. Always looking out for my own survival. Always existing in fear of not having enough or the fear that I’ll lose what I have.
And always reacting and having energetic experiences that I accept and allow for myself that are either positive and negative. Both of which manifest in through and as every relationship I’ve every had. Whether that be with my partner, my children, my coworkers, my siblings and last but not least, my parents.
When I first started out on my own, it wasn’t unusual for me to have to ask my mom for some money to help buy groceries or put gas in my car. She didn’t make asking her for money easy, and I hated every minute of it because standing before her and asking for money was like standing before God. First she would tell me how broke she was and I never believed it because her idea of broke and my idea of broke were not the same. When I said I was broke it meant that I had Nothing in my bank account. When she said she was broke, I knew for a fact it meant she was down to her last few thousands because when she wasn’t looking, I looked at her checkbook balance.
Money makes you sneaky as a fox and just as manipulative as a hyena. Well, it’s not money per se, it US, it’s how and what we accept as our current money system. It’s who and what characters and personalities we become in our quest to earn money to live out the nonsense we allow.
Finally, after almost an hour of explaining to my mom how important it was that she loan me some money til payday, she would inevitably pull out a couple of $20 dollar bills or a $50 dollar bill out of her handbag and insist that I return her the money the moment that I cashed my check on payday. I remember the voices in my head even now that I had back then as I walked away: “I knew it, I knew she wasn’t broke”, “Why does she lie like that”. You can be sure that my phone was ringing off the wall on payday to make sure I had not forgotten my debt.
I know when my children ask me for money they feel the same way toward me as I felt toward my mom. I mean, I honestly don’t have as much money in my pocket book as my mom had back when I was asking for money. However, I hear my child’s sigh of relief from not breathing the whole time their asking me for money. I remember how that felt and yet, the Power of my God as Money has had the power to control me.
My mom used to say: Sis, we’ve worked hard to have what we have, and you’re going to have to learn to do the same. I remember how crazy that sounded and I would ask myself why in the hell is life supposed to be about working for money!
A couple of days ago, I went to a physical therapy appointment. I was sitting in the waiting room and sitting next to me was a couple who were talking to a woman that was sitting beside them. They were in their middle 70′s and I know that because they said so.
They begin to talk about how once a month they go and do something they’ve never done before, like for instance they just got back from a two week cruise. They said they deserved it because they had not only raised their 2 children but they had also raised one of their 20 grandchildren. They went on to say how they refused to feel bad that they just didn’t have the patience to spend much time with their great grandchildren because ‘they had worked hard their hole lives’ and how now, it was ‘their turn’. It was at that point that I asked them if they were concerned for how their grandchildren and great grandchildren will make it in our world, the way it is within the struggle to survive in our current money system?
Their answer was an astounding NO! They said: “Hey, we had to work hard for what we have and it won’t hurt them to do the same”. The woman continued with saying how her husband worked the same blue collar job for 45 years by putting one foot in front of the other one day at a time. Sure it was tough she said, but that’s just how life is. They both forced a smile as she grabbed her cane and him his and they both, with great effort, stood up and waddled out of the building.
I no longer buy what the American dream is pushing. I no longer accept that that’s how life is supposed to be because obviously the dream isn’t a dream, it’s real and the majority of us are living and breathing it every single day. It’s The Story of US – our accepted and allowed enslavement. Time for a new Story and it’s time to Stand Up and take responsibility for how our world exists and is ruled by money – instead of making ourselves believing we ‘deserve’ this or that. Life itself and how we have defined it and lived it deserves redefining according to what’s best for All.
Investigate Equal Money